Reading Time: < 1 minute The Sanders campaign has expressed outrage, noting that while Sanders will definitely have kicked the bucket by 2024, it’s not acceptable for Trump to use such a logo, because it appropriates Bernie’s ideas.
Reading Time: < 1 minute New Hampshire—Having failed to stop Bernie in Iowa, where they hired Shadow, Inc., and its subsidiary Clinton LLC, the Democratic National Committee has promised its constituents that they’re going to do better during tonight’s debate. While the debate will feature rigged questions designed to tear down the candidate, Plan is…
Reading Time: < 1 minute Des Moines—With the help of an app developed by Spectre, Inc., Republicans were able to get their Trojan-horse candidate the top spot in the Iowa caucuses. While the app initially had a spotty development, it was finished just in time with the help of an elite group of coders loaned…
Reading Time: 2 minutes Host Anderson Cooper is set to deliver a fiery address tomorrow night, where he’ll point out to the 327 million morons in America—over 15 of whom watch his show—that Bernie’s gone off the rails and must be deplatformed.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Hillary Clinton, America’s most lifelike artificial intelligence, has opened old wounds with her one-time political foe, Bernie Sanders. In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, she said some remarkable things. “Listen, no one—” she managed to get out before her tuberculosis cough kicked in for a solid three minutes. “No…
Reading Time: 3 minutes Richmond, Virginia—A gun rights rally has concluded in Virginia, spilling only 0 buckets of blood versus the “untold millions” that CNN had predicted. In the wake of the hyper-violent protest that dressed itself up in a deceptive facade of peace, we interviewed a man in a local Starbucks, who was…
Reading Time: 2 minutes As of the time of this writing, Mr. Sanders has upgraded being assimilated from “a constitutional right” to “a human right.” He also downgraded resistance from “don’t think it’ll work” to “is futile.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Des Moines, IA, Minute-by-Minute Reporting—Tonight’s debate is underway, but it appears that the Democrats have already made some sort of clerical error. The party of diversity and inclusion is currently running a group of fighting, white, millionaire septuagenarians, after having canceled all the candidates of color. A woman who eats…