Joe Biden Tests Negative for Spanish Flu
Reading Time: < 1 minute“My mind is sharper than a, a, you know the thing,” Biden said in a remark in the nation’s capital. “I don’t have any brain problems, I’m fiddle as a fit.”
Sanders Scratches 3 Jobs Off Application List: Prophet, Journalist, President
Reading Time: < 1 minuteSanders received word that he also wouldn’t be getting the journalist job he wanted or the role of head prophet for the DNC after problematic past tweets were discovered.
Americans on Capitalism: Stupid Golden Age Makes Everything Look Too Yellow!
Reading Time: < 1 minuteI for one stand with Bernie Sanders: capitalism needs to buy the farm, or better yet, seize it from the landowner by force.
Bernie Snags Trump Vote by Offering Taxpayer-Subsidized Bronzer
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAfter ending a bad night neck-and-neck with Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders found himself needing any vote he could possibly get—even Donald Trump’s!
Opinion: Bernie Beat Male Life Expectancy, So He Can Beat Trump, Too!
Reading Time: 2 minutesI, for one, was ecstatic when Bernie remarked,
“American journalists talk about how bad a country is because people are lining up for food. That’s a good thing! In other countries people don’t line up for food; the rich get the food and the poor starve.”
Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day
Reading Time: 2 minutesSanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
Oops! Trump Releases Re-Election Logo YEARS Too Early, and Bernie’s Angry!
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Sanders campaign has expressed outrage, noting that while Sanders will definitely have kicked the bucket by 2024, it’s not acceptable for Trump to use such a logo, because it appropriates Bernie’s ideas.
DNC Places Hidden Trapdoor Under Bernie in Case He Gets Too Popular at Tonight’s Debate
Reading Time: < 1 minuteNew Hampshire—Having failed to stop Bernie in Iowa, where they hired Shadow, Inc., and its subsidiary Clinton LLC, the Democratic National Committee has promised its constituents that they’re going to do better during tonight’s debate. While the debate will feature rigged questions designed to tear down the candidate, Plan is the rigged debate stage, which features a literal trapdoor under Bernie Sanders. A nearby DNC member has a kill-switch that…
“Republican Mayor Steals Iowa—Geriatric, Native American; Communist Disappointed”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDes Moines—With the help of an app developed by Spectre, Inc., Republicans were able to get their Trojan-horse candidate the top spot in the Iowa caucuses. While the app initially had a spotty development, it was finished just in time with the help of an elite group of coders loaned to the DNC by Vladmir Putin. Elizabeth Warren, the lone Native American candidate, was happy to receive 18% of the…
CNN: Bernie Sanders Endorsed by Neo-Nazi Joe Rogan
Reading Time: 2 minutesHost Anderson Cooper is set to deliver a fiery address tomorrow night, where he’ll point out to the 327 million morons in America—over 15 of whom watch his show—that Bernie’s gone off the rails and must be deplatformed.
Hillary Clinton: Bernie Sanders is Known Russian Asset
Reading Time: 2 minutesHillary Clinton, America’s most lifelike artificial intelligence, has opened old wounds with her one-time political foe, Bernie Sanders. In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, she said some remarkable things. “Listen, no one—” she managed to get out before her tuberculosis cough kicked in for a solid three minutes. “No one likes Bernie. He’s never accomplished anything, which makes him a clear and present danger in the White House. We…
“Guns?! But Government Is Always Benevolent,” Says Man Terrified That Trump Will Become Forever-Dictator Like Putin
Reading Time: 3 minutesRichmond, Virginia—A gun rights rally has concluded in Virginia, spilling only 0 buckets of blood versus the “untold millions” that CNN had predicted. In the wake of the hyper-violent protest that dressed itself up in a deceptive facade of peace, we interviewed a man in a local Starbucks, who was cowering bravely in a corner, with his Super Venti Flat White shaking in his hands too much for him to…
Bernie Sanders Says His Ideal Society is the Borg
Reading Time: 2 minutesAs of the time of this writing, Mr. Sanders has upgraded being assimilated from “a constitutional right” to “a human right.” He also downgraded resistance from “don’t think it’ll work” to “is futile.”
Dembate: Democrats Confuse “Diversity” with Group of Fighting, White, Millionaire Septuagenarians
Reading Time: < 1 minuteDes Moines, IA, Minute-by-Minute Reporting—Tonight’s debate is underway, but it appears that the Democrats have already made some sort of clerical error. The party of diversity and inclusion is currently running a group of fighting, white, millionaire septuagenarians, after having canceled all the candidates of color. A woman who eats salad with a comb and a young Republican man are also inexplicably on stage, along with a weasel-eyed billionaire. In…
Warren Completes Gender Transition in Under Two Hours After Learning That Women Can’t Win Presidential Election
Reading Time: < 1 minuteHe requested that people not dead-name him, and is now running under the name “Aaren Whiz Elbert,” a nod to his genius plans. Out of respect for his tribal ancestry, he has indicated that he is more two-spirit (2S+) than transman, though “whatever wins the nomination works for me.”
Bernie Sanders Promises To End Wars, Bring Home Troops To Guard Gulags Instead
Reading Time: 2 minutesSanders made the proclamation to a packed crowd at UC Berkeley, resulting in the crowd, some of whom already had lists of people to oppress, erupting into deafening jazz hands.
Founding Fathers Intended Executive Branch to be Unchecked, Nation Delighted to Learn
Reading Time: 4 minutesHistorians have been shocked to learn that, for hundreds of years, our reading of the Constitution has been incorrect, and even incomplete. For centuries, it turns out, our nation has been trying to operate under checks-and-balances, with little inconveniences like having Congress authorize military action abroad, instead of the Executive Branch just blowing anyone it feels like off the face of the planet, really being a buzzkill. Dr. Darla B….
Democratic Candidates’ Q4 Fundraising Totals
Reading Time: 3 minutesThe most up-to-date coverage of Democratic Q4 Fundraising totals, with expert analysis. Cited by 538.