Biden Administration Commits to Raising Only Free Range, Never-Caged Border Children
Facing blowback for policies at the border, the Biden administration has announced that it is uncaging thousands of migrant children.
“From now on, our administration is only going to raise free range, never-caged border children,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki.
She then played a video of some children under a hot, TexMex sun, trying to clean themselves by rolling in dust, as there are no showers provided to the happily uncaged kiddos. Some were also seen nibbling on prickly-pear cacti.
“As you can see, these scrappy little border children aren’t in cages anymore. Fenced in, yes, but not caged, which is an important moral distinction,” Psaki told reporters. “They have acres and acres of land along the US-Mexico border to roam around, finding food sources that are more natural to their home habitats.”
The children will be allowed to interact and even play with the fence, which is a form of recreation that the Biden administration says is “endemic to their culture and native lands.”
“Plans are in place to ensure that the children will be certified free-range, organic, and hormone free—we’ll accomplish that last part by giving them all hormone blockers and transitioning their genders prior to puberty,” Psaki said to thunderous applause.
She was then forced to answer some very tough questions about which maps president Biden finds most challenging on Mario Kart.