Biden Promises to Inspect Coronavirus Fallout in All 13 States
Wilmington, Delaware—Safely hunkered away from the ravages of coronavirus, sunlight, and accidentally missing his daily dose of 19 anti-dementia medications, Joe Biden talked lovingly with colleagues during a virtual roundtable meeting from the confines of his basement.
Inspiring Americans, he said not one, not two, but three sentences in a row which actually made sense. Given his advanced hypermalignant superdementia, it was worthy of some note.
“Gertrude, I’m not that old, and I don’t have brain problems. I’m fiddle as a fit! Feels like just yesterday that I ran for president the first time, almost won all 13 states if I recall,” the former Vice President said excitedly to Governor Gretchen Whitmer as one of his eyelids fell off. He then promised to personally visit all 13 of the states and commonwealths to see just how bad coronavirus had left the crops.
It didn’t go so well from there, though.
“Aww shucks, reminds me of what Cornpone, no, no, that wasn’t his name? Poptart? You know, the colored feller, the mean one…well, I get along with most of them, you know? They like my leg hair,” he trailed off, making very little sense, if any at all.
“Listen up, bucko,” he then angrily remarked at the camera. “Who are you and what are you staring at?” An aide was fetched to change his Zoom screen, which he had accidentally set to show his own face. The handler then gave him a child’s wig to sniff as a method of self-soothing.
The virtual roundtable had to be cut short after the candidate’s false teeth fell out.