Dr. Anthony Fauci addressed the nation recently, providing an update on the dreaded coronavirus. Broadcast live on Youtube, terrified Americans peered at the brave man on their computer monitors, selflessly talking without a mask.
“I know that lockdowns grow tiresome, I really do. But this virus, there is so much that we don’t know about it: why do we call it SARS-CoV-2 when it does whacky things that one would never expect a COV to do? Why haven’t we given it a better name? Why is it so bad when you’re out and about on a mountain trail, or maybe a beach?” he asked looking into the cameras.
“Well look, on the beaches, you never know when a coronavirus is going to snatch you up. Might jump right out of the water and getcha while you sunbathe. I’ve seen it,” he remarked. “But we’re just starting to understand that the real invisible enemy is fresh air…maybe sunlight. If sunlight and fresh air kill coronavirus, just think what they might do to you…”
He then went on at great length about how hideously obese Americans were, and how 12-60 months of lockdown might help people look, on average, quite a bit better, and also extolled the price savings of smaller coffins.
As Dr. Fauci walked away from the mic, he was heard muttering, “That’s right, isn’t it, Tony? You feed a bacterium and starve a virus?”
Google, open on his phone as he wandered off, seemed to be on a search for, “how long does it take to starve a human.”