Newark, NJ—Cory Booker has officially exited the 2020 Presidential race, leaving Elizabeth Warren as the only person of color left in the scrum to lead America.
With a wistful look, Booker announced that his campaign, once with the same energy as Trump after downing his latest handful of Ritalin, had become moribund since his failure to make the debate stage.
“Not having the opportunity to talk about how there’s no such thing as “too far left” really hurt me,” Booker remarked. “Though truth be told, I’m not sure that America was ready for a radical like me, calling on our country to examine whether or not we’re eating ourselves, and urging gentle discourse. The US just isn’t ready to abandon bloodlust. Not y—” he said, but was cut short as Howard Dean went screaming by in the background.
For her part, Elizabeth Warren was deeply grieved, and hired an Italian man to wear a headdress and shed a tear while looking at the camera in some sort of show of solidarity or something.
“People of color used to be the in thing, people like Andrew Yang, who isn’t really a colored person at all, just some, you know, nerdy math kid who probably went to private school with the rest of the 1%’ers” Warren said in a prepared speech.
“But then we realized that POC weren’t as interesting as BIPOC [black or indigenous people of color—ed], and just look, Harvard has even proved with science that Asians aren’t really colored people. Not like my people, who came over on the Bering Sea Land Bridge. Like Andrew Yang, he’s not colored, he’s just an Asian, you know, hard working, dedicated, and intelligent—why would anyone want privilege like that running America?”
“Look, I feel sorry for Booker, I really do, but blacks just don’t capture the American attention unless police are capping them in their houses or beating them on the streets. You may not like it, but it’s a fact!”
In later remarks, Warren said that for the next election cycle, Booker should run as something more interesting, such as a transman. When asked how he could be a transman, since he already had a penis, rolled her eyes and said, “Biology doesn’t determine gender.”
Warren also explained that Tulsi Gabbard is the whitest candidate since Putin is, “well, the whitest person I’ve ever seen, like polar bears before climate change got ’em.”
Update: since the time of original publishing, Cory Booker has been jailed under Michael Bloomberg’s Stop-and-Frisk law. He was found to be in possession of a plastic straw, a grave offense to humanity at large, so was immediately remanded, making the world just a little bit safer.