“Republican Mayor Steals Iowa—Geriatric, Native American; Communist Disappointed”

“Republican Mayor Steals Iowa—Geriatric, Native American; Communist Disappointed”

Reading Time: < 1 minuteDes Moines—With the help of an app developed by Spectre, Inc., Republicans were able to get their Trojan-horse candidate the top spot in the Iowa caucuses. While the app initially had a spotty development, it was finished just in time with the help of an elite group of coders loaned to the DNC by Vladmir Putin. Elizabeth Warren, the lone Native American candidate, was happy to receive 18% of the…

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Dembate: Democrats Confuse “Diversity” with Group of Fighting, White, Millionaire Septuagenarians

Dembate: Democrats Confuse “Diversity” with Group of Fighting, White, Millionaire Septuagenarians

Reading Time: < 1 minuteDes Moines, IA, Minute-by-Minute Reporting—Tonight’s debate is underway, but it appears that the Democrats have already made some sort of clerical error. The party of diversity and inclusion is currently running a group of fighting, white, millionaire septuagenarians, after having canceled all the candidates of color. A woman who eats salad with a comb and a young Republican man are also inexplicably on stage, along with a weasel-eyed billionaire. In…

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elizabeth warren gender transition
Warren Completes Gender Transition in Under Two Hours After Learning That Women Can’t Win Presidential Election

Warren Completes Gender Transition in Under Two Hours After Learning That Women Can’t Win Presidential Election

Reading Time: < 1 minuteHe requested that people not dead-name him, and is now running under the name “Aaren Whiz Elbert,” a nod to his genius plans. Out of respect for his tribal ancestry, he has indicated that he is more two-spirit (2S+) than transman, though “whatever wins the nomination works for me.”

Booker Suspends Campaign, Leaving Warren as Only Minority Candidate

Booker Suspends Campaign, Leaving Warren as Only Minority Candidate

Reading Time: 2 minutesI’m not sure that America was ready for a radical like me, calling on our country to examine whether or not we’re eating ourselves, and urging and gentle discourse. The US just isn’t ready to abandon bloodlust. Not y—” he said, but was cut short as Howard Dean went screaming by in the background.