Washington, D.C.—Note: This is part in a series on the Democratic Debates. We’ll check back in with Tuesday’s Carnage Coverage© tonight.
Anthropologists with the Smithsonian Institute made a surprising discovery Monday as they found evidence of a massive, lost tribe of cannibals, spread across the entirety of the United States, in much the same way as a stage IV cancer.
“We were reviewing some old artifacts from the 2010s, mostly Democratic debates from 2019, and we were shocked! It was horrible! There wasn’t even a content warning or anything,” Dr. Linda Mueller of the Smithsonian told us. “I’ve never seen anything so awful. I understand that on the road to our progressive utopia, there are no guardrails on the left, but it was just a terrible thing to witness—I’m still having nightmares. “
She recounted some of the most traumatic parts of December debate to us, saying that, by the time of that televised slaughter, half of the Democratic candidates had already been eaten alive by their fellow tribesmen. In the last debate, though, she was surprised to see that apparently millionaire, white septuagenarians have the most voracious appetite, easily devouring anyone young or of color.
“There was this young guy, named Pete Butt-uh-something, an obvious Republican plant and possible known Russian asset, and then this lady, Elizabeth Warren, she just took out this odd little stone and started sharpening her teeth, and we weren’t sure yet what we were looking at, but soon it was clear. Why didn’t someone call the police? O’ the blood!”
Their interests piqued, the Smithsonian anthropologists toured some nearby college campuses today, noting that the findings could be useful in assessing tonight’s debate, but only Dr. Muller survived the encounter.
“We went to a march for inclusivity at Georgetown, and Toby, well they got him right away, like they smelled blood in the water. He went up and introduced himself to a genderqueer trans-transman pansexual and didn’t start by sharing pronouns, and they all overhead and seized upon him, ripped his tongue out right then and there to silence his neo-colonialist oppression! Mark told me that we needed to fit in or they’d consume us, too, so he started clapping for what was happening to Toby, and they were all triggered because he wasn’t using jazz-hands! Oh it was terrible, they came at him with baseball bats and social justice and he didn’t have a chance.”
Dr. Muller shared some tips with us from her recent encounters, telling us that we should remember that there’s no such thing as too far left, and if you feel like you’ve gone over the line in that direction, you’re wrong. It just means that anyone not left of you is a regressive bigot and probably a descendant of the Rothschilds.
As of the time of this writing, the cannibal tribe has been seen marauding across academia and millennial culture, tearing down statues of people on the far right, such as Che Guevara.