Washington, DC—The Centers for Disease Control has announced that this year’s election cycle is likely to be disrupted following a “mass population drop in cities, especially those with liberal tendencies, secondary to social justice live-action roleplaying.” The organization then took back the reasoning and said that it was actually probably going to happen due to “Donald Trump’s America.”
“Make no mistake,” said Director Robert Redfield. “Everyone in all major cities—dead, they’ll all be dead within the week, or month, or year, or definitely within this century, mark my words. Why just now in Florida we have reports that doctors are stacking people 6-bodies high in ICU beds just to make them fit, and they’re having to strap them in with cargo netting. But it’s not due to the protests, which were for a just cause. It’s due to Republicans.” He then spat on the nearest person who looked like a deplorable.
For his part, Donald Trump has been almost ecstatic. “They say everyone hates me, but now I’m going to win because all the libs will be dead! Wow! I’m going to win, and win bigly. Everyone said I’m stupid—stupid like a fox! I’ll trade you a month of protests for 100,000,000 of your liberal lives! You fools! Hehehehe! Art of the Deal!” He then looked worried and was heard whispering to an aide, “Wait, do the libs make the meals at McDonald’s? Those will be OK, right?”
Basement Boy Biden took a moment from his Tweeting—and thus from having contemptible Libertarians make fun of him—to reach out to Trump, somewhat nervous about everyone who might vote for him being killed by the Invisible Enemy, coronavirus, or the more Visible Enemy, coppers.
In a phone call Joe attempted to foster a political alliance with Mr. Trump, offering his grandaughter to the President in marriage. “We can rule together, Don, just you and me, like old times, like buds” Biden said. “Ain’t no malarkey, Jack. Whadda ya say?”
Trump declined the alliance as his daughter is much hotter. The CDC says that Trump is guaranteed a victory if the urban population centers drop below 165,000,000 people. Mr. Trump is now encouraging all people in all cities to protest often and vigorously. “The more spittle that flies, the better this country will be,” he told reporters.