In a town hall meeting on Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders extolled the virtues of modern progressive research. In explaining the politicoarchaeology that the liberals were furiously conducting day and night, Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
“I get a little tired, I must say, of people defending such meager rights,” Sanders told CNN’s Anderson Cooper of life, liberty, and whatever the last thing thing was.
“We are now discovering, through some effort, many more human rights. Abortion—human right. Free healthcare—human right. A job, which pays a living wage, I might add—human right. Education, for however long you would like—human right. Six Flags Over Texas admission—human right. HBO streaming—human right. Name something you want—human right!
Must I tell you, it is a system which is dysfunctional, which is cruel, Anderson, which denies these rights. We are now discovering, on average, two new human rights every day, sometimes more! And people want to tell us that we do not have these rights? That we discovered? That is not a system, to which I subscribe.”
Sanders was seen in the parking lot after the interview, wrestling a middle-aged rich (not a human right) woman out of her parked Mercedes. “Your car—my human right,” he was heard yelling as he sped off en route back to his summer dacha on the lake, which most people have, as it’s a human right. The candidate will be leading a research team into the field to discover more human rights prior to Super Tuesday.
Sanders’ updated campaign site now lists over 1.3 million human rights and increasing, the most recent of which is “killing kulaks.”