Reading Time: < 1 minute The United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Conyers, GA—Local mother Julie Andrews is overjoyed to see what her husband gets her for Mother’s Day, and she expressed that sentiment abundantly during our interview with her.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Out, out!” screamed Mx. Still. “I don’t know what alien gender you are, but on this planet, we give our pronouns so that we don’t make other people uncomfortable!”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Looking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.
Reading Time: < 1 minute A local 6-year-old girl has mastered the word “impostor” and now impresses her parents with it no less than 600 times per day, at a median decibel level of 87.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes People say that I’m quite vain; my sister says that it’s surprising given my looks. But that’s not true. I may hold myself in high esteem, but I know that I’d never be able to satisfy a woman whose instagram consists only of pictures of her. That above paragraph is a little bit of humor, and probably objectionable, but there’s some truth to it. I’ve never been the best looking…
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Courage, integrity, and taking care of each other, those are values that must come last in our nation’s fighting forces. Well, actually, speaking truth to power comes dead last, which this was. So obviously, we’ve dishonorably discharged all of those enlisted mongrels. Their free healthcare is obviously immediately terminated, too,” Modly said.
Reading Time: 2 minutes We interviewed a local, lonely man via Zoom, to see how social distancing is impacting his mental illness. Mr. Luke Han Necessary, whose last name is apparently not a joke, spoke to us at an almost unbearable length—in excess of 6 minutes.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Kubrick says he observed that his own bosses were typically full of recommended managerial traits such as mendacity, jealousy, strife, and light-to-moderate perversion. Many of them were also about as intelligent as rutting goats.
Reading Time: 3 minutes Hey DudeBro! Are you busy writing online dating profiles while safely hiding from the hateful sun in your basement computer room? Are you spewing paragraphs upon paragraphs out, explaining why, and you’re just not sure, but life hasn’t somehow coalesced a hunk or meat and star stuff together that would seek you out like a rat to cheese? In other words, are you busy hammering away at your keyboard, typing…
Reading Time: 4 minutes V-Day is on the way, and you’re tired of online dating. Let’s face it, even Jeffrey Dahmer and Hitler had a better love life than you. It’s time to up your game, and for only a small fee, I can help you out. Like a greasy, cat-sized rodent trapped in your walls, the Valentine’s season has arrived, keeping you up nights as it skitters noisily in the drywall for two…