Idiots in Hateful Sky-Daddy Cult Once Again Giving Free Disaster Relief to Poor People
Reading Time: 2 minutes Deranged religious cultists are once again spreading their intolerance and bigotry abroad.
Garnier Releases New Fauci-Line of Shampoo Exclusively Tested on Live Dogs
Reading Time: < 1 minute Dr. Fauci is the model for the newest line of shampoo by Garnier. The novel formulation was partially produced in the Wuhan Labs and was extensively tested on live dogs, until they were dead dogs.
Dr. Fauci Wins Wuhan Lab’s Employee of the Year Award for 2nd Straight Year
Reading Time: < 1 minute The Israelis recently gave Dr. Fauci a million dollars for “his remarkable restraint versus another historical figure,” but most important to America’s top-paid government employee has been his award from the Wuhan Institute of Virology. For the second straight year, Dr. Fauci has received the coveted Employee of the Year Award.
Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer
Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.
USAF Reportedly Leaves $56 Billion Worth of Coffee Pots in Afghanistan
Reading Time: < 1 minute The United States Air Force reports that the sudden withdrawal from Afghanistan has led to a significant financial loss. Pulling out so suddenly, $56 billion worth of coffee pots—49 of which were Keurig, while the remaining 175 were Mr. Coffees—were left behind, and now may be under Taliban control.
Woman Wants Specific Gift for Mother’s Day and Also It Must Be a Total Surprise
Reading Time: < 1 minute Conyers, GA—Local mother Julie Andrews is overjoyed to see what her husband gets her for Mother’s Day, and she expressed that sentiment abundantly during our interview with her.
Chaos Erupts at School Board Meeting as Mother of 3 Forgets to Use Pronouns
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Out, out!” screamed Mx. Still. “I don’t know what alien gender you are, but on this planet, we give our pronouns so that we don’t make other people uncomfortable!”
CIA to Use Socially-Acceptable Clinton Predator Drone on US Soil
Reading Time: 2 minutes Looking to prevent another unarmed insurrection where the only people killed are defenseless women, the CIA has announced that it will begin using Predator drones over the US landmass.
White Supremacy Violence So Effective That Whites Need Not Even Be Involved
Reading Time: < 1 minute The data shows that the violence of white supremacy can occur even when the nearest white person is some 80 miles away.
Local 6-Year-Old Masters the Word “Impostor,” Uses It 600 Times a Day
Reading Time: < 1 minute A local 6-year-old girl has mastered the word “impostor” and now impresses her parents with it no less than 600 times per day, at a median decibel level of 87.
Underwater Society of Racists Found
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rachel Hicks is just about to earn her PhD in marine biology, but a recent feat might be the peak of her academic career. In between gender-balancing her bookshelf and signing petitions to decolonize mathematics (or really anything), Hicks made a shocking discovery: beneath the waves, clandestine meetings of racists are being held.
Hot New Pickup Artist Book for All Ages, “Ridin’ with Biden”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Seeking to improve his credibility and rating with all age demographics, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is releasing a new book, “Ridin’ with Biden: Mastering the Art of “Unwanted” Seduction—A Guide for All Ages.”
The Objectionable Vanity of Mr. Necessary
Reading Time: 2 minutes People say that I’m quite vain; my sister says that it’s surprising given my looks. But that’s not true. I may hold myself in high esteem, but I know that I’d never be able to satisfy a woman whose instagram consists only of pictures of her. That above paragraph is a little bit of humor, and probably objectionable, but there’s some truth to it. I’ve never been the best looking…
Navy Secretary Fires Entire Crew of USS Roosevelt for Cheering CPT Crozier
Reading Time: 2 minutes “Courage, integrity, and taking care of each other, those are values that must come last in our nation’s fighting forces. Well, actually, speaking truth to power comes dead last, which this was. So obviously, we’ve dishonorably discharged all of those enlisted mongrels. Their free healthcare is obviously immediately terminated, too,” Modly said.
Lonely Man Hoping to Get COVID-19 so That Someone Might Care for Him
Reading Time: 2 minutes We interviewed a local, lonely man via Zoom, to see how social distancing is impacting his mental illness. Mr. Luke Han Necessary, whose last name is apparently not a joke, spoke to us at an almost unbearable length—in excess of 6 minutes.
Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day
Reading Time: 2 minutes Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
Man Embraces Incompetence to Get Coveted Manager Promotion
Reading Time: < 1 minute Kubrick says he observed that his own bosses were typically full of recommended managerial traits such as mendacity, jealousy, strife, and light-to-moderate perversion. Many of them were also about as intelligent as rutting goats.
Lucas’ Free Romantic Advice!© SANDRA BULLOCK EDITION
Reading Time: 3 minutes Hey DudeBro! Are you busy writing online dating profiles while safely hiding from the hateful sun in your basement computer room? Are you spewing paragraphs upon paragraphs out, explaining why, and you’re just not sure, but life hasn’t somehow coalesced a hunk or meat and star stuff together that would seek you out like a rat to cheese? In other words, are you busy hammering away at your keyboard, typing…
The Valentine’s Blues (AKA: Why You’re Wretched and How I’ll Fix It)
Reading Time: 4 minutes V-Day is on the way, and you’re tired of online dating. Let’s face it, even Jeffrey Dahmer and Hitler had a better love life than you. It’s time to up your game, and for only a small fee, I can help you out. Like a greasy, cat-sized rodent trapped in your walls, the Valentine’s season has arrived, keeping you up nights as it skitters noisily in the drywall for two…