Tag: democrats

President Biden in Rose Garden with Ice Cream
Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death

Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death

Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”

white house replacing jen psaki ad
White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia 

White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia 

Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”

Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer

Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer

Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head. 

California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags

California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags

Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”

Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter

Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter

Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”

Biden Promises Female Running Mate (If Her Hair Smells Good)

Biden Promises Female Running Mate (If Her Hair Smells Good)

Reading Time: < 1 minute “I can’t promise to maintain the social distancing or whatever, not necessarily. How can I know if she’s the right one if I can’t, I can’t sniff those sweet hairs? Come’ere, honey,” he told the female debate moderator while trying to grab her by the shoulders.

bernie sanders archaeologist
Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day

Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day

Reading Time: 2 minutes Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.

Lost Tribe of Cannibals Found as Left Eats Itself

Lost Tribe of Cannibals Found as Left Eats Itself

Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, D.C.—Note: This is part in a series on the Democratic Debates. We’ll check back in with Tuesday’s Carnage Coverage© tonight. Anthropologists with the Smithsonian Institute made a surprising discovery Monday as they found evidence of a massive, lost tribe of cannibals, spread across the entirety of the United States, in much the same way as a stage IV cancer. “We were reviewing some old artifacts from the 2010s, mostly…

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