Tag: democrats

President Biden in Rose Garden with Ice Cream

Biden: People Will Regret Abortion Ban When Their Babies Starve to Death

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Reading Time: < 1 minute “Look here, I don’t work for you. My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m go into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo,” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”

Nutritionists Expect American Obesity Epidemic to Be Over by End of Biden’s 1st Term

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Reading Time: 2 minutes Thanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.

Man from Country with Ministry of Truth Worried Russia Will Undermine Democracy

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Reading Time: 2 minutes Jacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.

White House Seeking PR Expert Skilled in Policy Disasters, Nuclear War, Famine, Crack-Addict Children, & Dementia

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Reading Time: 2 minutes “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”

Biden Launches New Food-Shortage Initiative: Build Back Barer

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Reading Time: 3 minutes “There may be no food, but you don’t see any more chunky, obese babies, do you? They’re really trimming down. Why look at the well-defined cheekbones on this little feller,” Biden said while taking a sniff of an emaciated baby’s head.

California Mandates Restaurant-Goers Wear Horse Feeding Bags

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Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”

Dems Commit to Court Packing by Making Literally EVERY Citizen a Justice

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Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.

Ginsburg’s Will Reveals She Bequeathed Seat to Granddaughter

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Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”

Dem Scientists Look for Way to Detonate Yellowstone to “Just End It Already”

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Reading Time: < 1 minute Following the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”

Biden Promises Female Running Mate (If Her Hair Smells Good)

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Reading Time: < 1 minute “I can’t promise to maintain the social distancing or whatever, not necessarily. How can I know if she’s the right one if I can’t, I can’t sniff those sweet hairs? Come’ere, honey,” he told the female debate moderator while trying to grab her by the shoulders.

Market Giving Biden Flashbacks to 1929

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Reading Time: < 1 minute At the time of this writing, Biden was seen asking an aide to short shares of Studebaker.

Nervous: Biden Says Trump Not Responding Well to Breakbone Fever Epidemic

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Reading Time: < 1 minute Exiting the stage in his home state of Delaware, Mr. Biden refused to shake any hands, citing his worries about “catching the leprosy.”

Relief: Combined Dem Candidate Age Now Only Stretches Back to Year 1712

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Reading Time: < 1 minute After thoughtfully removing all of the young, colored candidates, the Democrats now have a strong field of rich, white septuagenarians, the perfect people to take on the current rich, white septuagenarian in the White House.

Democrat Researchers Discover 2 New Human Rights Every Day

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Reading Time: 2 minutes Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.

Lost Tribe of Cannibals Found as Left Eats Itself

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Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, D.C.—Note: This is part in a series on the Democratic Debates. We’ll check back in with Tuesday’s Carnage Coverage© tonight. Anthropologists with the Smithsonian Institute made a surprising discovery Monday as they found evidence of a massive, lost tribe of cannibals, spread across the entirety of the United States, in much the same way as a stage IV cancer. “We were reviewing some old artifacts from the 2010s, mostly…