Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes Democrats have announced plans to combat Trump’s heinous acts by expanding the court. In fact, they’re going to add 320,000,000 justices.
Reading Time: 2 minutes “These are lifetime appoints and even heirlooms, good morning, good Sunday,” Nancy Pelosi told CNN’s Don Lemon during a mid-day interview. “They’re passed down from generation to generation, and only rarely to people outside of the family, and even then it’s at the discretion of the Justice. It was meant to be that way with the Presidency, too—Hillary won, you know. Hey, where did the wine in this bottle go? Who stole it?”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Following the announcement that President Trump will replace late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, progressive scientists across America are furiously researching ways to “just end it already.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute “I can’t promise to maintain the social distancing or whatever, not necessarily. How can I know if she’s the right one if I can’t, I can’t sniff those sweet hairs? Come’ere, honey,” he told the female debate moderator while trying to grab her by the shoulders.
Reading Time: < 1 minute At the time of this writing, Biden was seen asking an aide to short shares of Studebaker.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Exiting the stage in his home state of Delaware, Mr. Biden refused to shake any hands, citing his worries about “catching the leprosy.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute After thoughtfully removing all of the young, colored candidates, the Democrats now have a strong field of rich, white septuagenarians, the perfect people to take on the current rich, white septuagenarian in the White House.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Sanders pointed out we used to be a backward people in America, believing in only a few, paltry, civil liberties which were mostly useless—dumb things like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” which did no one any real good.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Washington, D.C.—Note: This is part in a series on the Democratic Debates. We’ll check back in with Tuesday’s Carnage Coverage© tonight. Anthropologists with the Smithsonian Institute made a surprising discovery Monday as they found evidence of a massive, lost tribe of cannibals, spread across the entirety of the United States, in much the same way as a stage IV cancer. “We were reviewing some old artifacts from the 2010s, mostly…