In a lifetime, some events happen only once. I can guarantee it; I learned it the hard way. There was a time that I was hurt, and, well, I decided that I’d found a pretty good fix for that, let me tell you hwut! [sic] In that moment, I came across a person who was the perfect healer. She was wholly unique and gentle; optimistic against odds that I could never imagine facing.
And I…I offered solace in the face of the crushing reality of life.
But that wasn’t what I was. No. My knowledge gave me the capability to adapt; to give the needed persona while advancing my own agenda. I’d been hurt, so I “needed” to bandage those wounds. And with this person, I’d found my bandage, but as a mere tool. Something to be taken off and discarded at a later date. And that’s what I did.
So instead of finding an ally, a lover, and a helper, I had decided that I’d found a simple object to be manipulated to my advantage. I cannot imagine, nor would I desire to, the pain that I caused. But I sure knew the Bible better, right? I forgot to, “in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself. Each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well.” (Phil 2:3-4)
We all have an ability to do that. We all have needs. What I failed to have was the realization that God fulfills those needs. I was so certain that God had abandoned me that I saw an amazing, gentle soul, and I used it. I used it to bandage my prior wounds. I abandoned any semblance of leadership and replaced it with self-loving. At a core level, which I refused to admit at the time, I said, “Hurting this person is worth building up myself. We’re both adults. It’s not my fault when it isn’t all sunshine and roses.”
I have never met a girl like that before, and I never will again. Unique opportunities exist only once, and we are all unique. But I can learn. I have. And I will grow. I can serve others over myself. I will. I shall!
With love, always