EPIDEMIC TIPS: Local Man Expert on Social Distancing

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Rock Springs, Wyoming—With the world facing one of the worst explosions of disease since the Spanish flu, prevention is the only game left in town.

Local man Lucas Necessary has started a Youtube channel to address the disease, and now has millions of followers, though none of them seem to actually like him.

The World Health Organization and Centers for Disease Control both recommend washing hands, avoiding touching one’s face, and social-distancing as means to control the pathogen’s spread. In the last metric, Mr. Necessary is a staggering success.

Offering helpful tips such as, “have a really rotten disposition,” “make dumb, awkward jokes,” and “be sure you’re physically unattractive, or even repulsive, if you can swing that,” he’s done a great deal to curb the spread of the illness. No one has any desire to even come near him!

Robert R. Redfield, the director of the CDC, said that while COVID-19 is a “model infectious disease,” Mr. Necessary is a “model for human isolation—the social distancing on him is so vast that it might as well be from the earth to the sun; we’re really not sure how that hasn’t killed him by itself.”

We tried to contact friends of Mr. Necessary to see if they’d agree, but he had only 0. By some metrics, that is a failure, but by others, it is an uncompromising success. CDC Director Robert Redfield says that some things one should emulate in order to enhance social-distancing are posting topless selfies of one’s sickly white skin and gross, skinny frame, not having ever had any sort of stable relationship, and being associated with Sarah Eustace Lefore, “in and of herself potentially worse than the novel coronavirus.”

While we reached out to Mr. Necessary, he responded to our requests for comment only with lame jokes and derision toward our existence. He also repeatedly texted “REPORTED” and “BANNED” long after we stopped querying him.

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