Reading Time: 2 minutes “We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Racism has killed coronavirus. Not content to target minorities struggling to make a go of things, it’s now targeted and in fact entirely killed off the novel coronavirus. “Never in our lifetimes have we witnessed a genocide due to racism,” remarked Anderson Cooper. “Well, until now. Yes, folks, racism has killed off the entirety of the novel coronavirus. It had just arrived in America, a poor immigrant struggling to get…
Reading Time: 2 minutes He left his house to take a walk and clear his mind, but found that dogs were forming into packs in the streets, and all the trees were covered in murders of crows as far as his eyes could see.
Reading Time: 2 minutes In a statement, Joe Biden stated that he supports the rage that people are feeling. “Look, look, I felt that way once, I did. I hear you. I, I, I used a chain, a chain on CornPop, after telling him that I was going to, ‘Look, gonna come up there and yank you off.’ So, like I was saying, two stones with one bird here, we kill the mob and get justice for the virus.”
Reading Time: < 1 minute Realizing that teachers in face-to-face educational settings will see casualty rates in the range of 99-100%, and sometimes higher in red states, which sadly embrace the deadly disease, the Democrats have launched into action to save lives.
Reading Time: < 1 minute Mayor Bill de Blasio had told citizens that any person caught swimming would be taken right out of the water, but it was too late for one foolish local resident.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Go and look out your kitchen window. Have you done it? Did you see anyone on the street, walking in the fresh air and sunshine? Most were decent, law-abiding citizens, the type that you’d never invite into your home, obviously, but who you’d smile at from behind your N95, and hope that they understood.
But I bet you saw something else, too.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Bryan Franzel hopes that the lockdowns will end soon, as he thinks that the state shouldn’t be involved in anyone’s bedroom, and he’s really tired of the forced monogamy.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Dr. Fauci warned America of the new, invisible enemy.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Xi had to pause to take a call from the Secretary of Education and started screaming, “No, no! No school field trip to the friendly, local bat virology lab! No more of those! You stop them!”
Reading Time: < 1 minute His posting history reveals that he’s wanted boomers to die for a couple of years, but now it’s out of compassion.
Reading Time: 2 minutes As of the time of this writing, the Biden campaign has called for anyone who says that they aren’t afraid of coronavirus to be shot dead, so that they know just how dangerous it is.
Reading Time: 2 minutes The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently released an alarming new study. While Americans have always assumed that their country was in good health, a strange, new virus of the brain has led to their being more forms of hepatitis than major political parties in the country!
Reading Time: 2 minutes Rocketing into the sky in his Gulfstream G700 private jet, Pastor Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church began his flyover of the pandemic stricken United States.
Reading Time: 2 minutes A new study authored by British epidemiologist Neil Ferguson (OBE FMedSci) has found shocking, grim results regarding Sweden’s failure to follow strict, government-enforced lockdowns.
Reading Time: < 1 minute New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio reacted negatively to the idea of smoking out the virus with small fires, noting that his city is simply having “the police beat anyone who might have it.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes “We banned people from skating. We filled in the park with sand. We’ve done everything to stop the spread of COVID-19 at that dang thing, but just yesterday my roving helicopter patrols caught people using it as a BMX playground.”
Reading Time: 2 minutes United States—Reeling from an economy in free-fall in much the same way that the death count isn’t, Congressional leaders have reached across the aisle to pass a bill which declares every 11th person a domestic terrorist. “We know that gatherings can be no more than 10 people, so that makes every 11th a domestic terrorist,” speaker Pelosi declared. “I certainly don’t want that 11th person showing up at my mansion…
Reading Time: 2 minutes Chinese citizens have been ordered to stay in their houses and to wear masks, so that they don’t accidentally inhale any of the currency, which could choke and possibly kill them. When too many Chinese currency notes are inhaled, a distressing respiratory illness can occur.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Johns Hopkins, which has been using arcgis mapping to provide routine updates to the extent of COVID-19 exposure, said that post welcoming-ceremony data shows that Utah is now in a committed relationship with the world-destroying pathogen.
Reading Time: 2 minutes We interviewed a local, lonely man via Zoom, to see how social distancing is impacting his mental illness. Mr. Luke Han Necessary, whose last name is apparently not a joke, spoke to us at an almost unbearable length—in excess of 6 minutes.
Reading Time: 3 minutes I am committed to providing friends and scores of would-be female lovers with the epitome of quality in human interaction. Given the ever-shifting situation surrounding COVID-19, I wanted to alert you to some changes that have taken place over the last several days, as well as ones to happen in the weeks to come.
Reading Time: < 1 minute The American president is also curtailing his dalliances with pornstars as an extra effort to limit the spread of the disease.
Reading Time: 2 minutes Offering helpful tips such as, “have a really rotten disposition,” “make dumb, awkward jokes,” and “be sure you’re physically unattractive, or even repulsive, if you can swing that,” he’s done a great deal to curb the spread of the illness.
Reading Time: < 1 minute We are seeing a startling rise in the number of infectious-disease specialists; they’re popping up everywhere. Your friends, your family, people who you thought weren’t at risk…one of them will probably specialize in diseases by the end of this briefing.