Lansing, Michigan—Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has mandated the use of government-provided shocks collars for all citizens of her state as a response to the ongoing COVID-19 crisis.
“We must all continue to be diligent, observe social distancing and limit in-person interactions and services to slow the spread of COVID-19,” said Whitmer while sporting her newest, stylish jackboots. “We all have to work together to prevent the spread of this terrible disease. All residents will be required to wear government-provided shock collars that act through a proximity trigger. Get closer than 6-feet to another citizen and ZAP POW you’re down for the count!”
“Remember, the brainless zombie horde is YOU,” Whitmer continued condescendingly.
Whitmer also mentioned that this is just one way that the populace can work together. “What are constitutional rights and diginity in the grand scheme of things?” she asked as an aide affixed a new signboard to her podium which read, “Fügsamkeit Macht Frei!”
Whitmer was quick to point out that residents will not be charged for the collars. “They’re totally free to every resident—your taxes foot the bill for this, not you,” she remarked.
The collars will also activate in response to certain verbal cues, such as, “protest,” “my constituational ri—aghhh,” and, “Whitmer, you ignorant, misguided, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH.” The disease has been shown to superspread through close conversation, so the collars aim to limit talking.
Conservative voters will be the first to receive the electrifying, new apparel. Processing and attaching the collars will take place at special “soziale Distanzierung kamps” scattered throughout the state, though Whitmer is graciously having the government foot the bill for travel costs, as special trains to each kamp will be provided.