Hillary Clinton, America’s most lifelike artificial intelligence, has opened old wounds with her one-time political foe, Bernie Sanders. In an interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, she said some remarkable things.
“Listen, no one—” she managed to get out before her tuberculosis cough kicked in for a solid three minutes. “No one likes Bernie. He’s never accomplished anything, which makes him a clear and present danger in the White House. We want someone who can completely obliterate America on day one. Bernie would take at least a week.”
“Plus, Anderson” she continued with a twinkle in her Cylon eye, “He’s a known Russian asset. Just like that harlot Tulsi. And you turned on her when I told you that. My algorithms calculate that there is a 99.85% probability that you will now turn on Bernie. Have you yet?”
Cooper queried how she could be certain that Bernie was Putin’s puppet, and Clinton was quick to put him in his place.
“Oh, how do I know he’s a Russian asset? Well Tulsi tweeted that she liked him. Isn’t that proof enough? We know for a fact that Tulsi works for Putin. You’ve got that on my own, good authority.” A fit of consumption and 5-minute long fainting episode then ensued before she could continue.
“Look, Anderson. Bernie doesn’t want war. He’s a pacifist. Do you know how easy it is to suicide people like that? They’re armed only with their hatred for moral clarity, which makes a piss-poor defense against being suicided. It’s like, “time for another heart attack, Bernie.'” she said, cackling maniacally.
“He’s not like me, Anderson. I’m no pacifist, and it makes the basket of deplorables terrified of me. They’re always saying, ‘Hillary would love to kill us,’ and that’s not true. When I kill people, do you know what that makes me feel? Nothing. Nothing at all. And that’s another reason that Bernie, frankly, is unfit. What an emotional, old windbag.” Clinton then had to leave the interview to answer a phone call, labeled on her cell phone only as “hitman 2743.”
Clinton has begun writing the script for Weekend at Bernie’s III, which comically features a couple of college kids pretending that their uncle is still alive, when in fact he died of natural causes by shooting himself in the back twenty-eight times.