Richmond, Virginia—A gun rights rally has concluded in Virginia, spilling only 0 buckets of blood versus the “untold millions” that CNN had predicted. In the wake of the hyper-violent protest that dressed itself up in a deceptive facade of peace, we interviewed a man in a local Starbucks, who was cowering bravely in a corner, with his Super Venti Flat White shaking in his hands too much for him to drink.
After giving us his pronoun card (he/him), the man, Jesse Gray, informed us that he was a through-and-through Democrat, at least until AOC told him that Democrats are Republicans, so now he’s a democratic socialist, at least until Bernie tells him that democratic socialists are alt-right, at which point he plans on becoming a communist.
We asked Mr. Gray how he felt about guns, to which he happily replied, “Guns are horrifying! I would never touch a gun unless Bernie gave me one to guard the Gulags.”
“Now listen, my problem is this: if you think there is any reason in the world to have a gun, by definition you’re mentally unwell, so you can’t have one. Can’t. We’ll blast you in the face if you try. It’s irrational to think that government might be oppressive. Name one government, EVER, that has done ANYTHING oppressive. See, you can’t. So what are you protecting yourself from? Huh? Bigot. Oh I can’t wait until you get yours…”
He then spat in our faces in front of everyone, causing 15 professors and an entire college campus to suggest that he run for Congress on his peace-loving ideals.
But the lecture continued.
“It’s literal insanity to think that a government might do anything oppressive, except in the case of Donald Trump, as he’s a deranged madman with a political intellect the world has never before seen, able to deftly turn one term in office into an unlimited stream of them, much like Putin. Any sane man should be ready for blood in the streets to protect humanity from another four years of the yellow-haired demon. That’s only logical.” He quickly showed us a video clip of a hero of his, which we’ve linked below.
Bernie Sanders Campaign Operative Makes Case For Concentration Camps:— Benny (@bennyjohnson) January 14, 2020
– Stalin & gulags were good
– Gulags paid a living wage
– Billionaires should be sent to gulags to break them of “privilege”
@BernieSanders hires communists who want to put YOU into camps if they are elected pic.twitter.com/6jHv26Ptwq
“Worse than Trump’s evil political genius, though,” Mr. Gray lamented, “Is the regrettable fact that he’s literally the stupidest person alive, and unable to accomplish anything, ever, having the IQ of a carrot. Well, other than turning these neo-cons into literal Nazis. I sure wish that their rally had been peaceful like our Antifa ones!”
The man also explained that the people of color who attended the rally are part of a “white-supremacist plot” called tokenism, and that the only way to protect people of color is to “remove” defective ones who attend such rallies—it’s much too dangerous to let them have their skin-color co-opted for such evil, even if it’s done because they’re just simple and ignorant people.
MSNBC interrupted our interview, urging the man to run for President on the strength of his compassion for the minoritized.