Man Arrested After Peaceful Spousal Abuse Intensified

Man Arrested After Peaceful Spousal Abuse Intensified

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Reporting by Sarah Lefore.


Portland, Oregon—A 32-year old Portland man was arrested and released Saturday after a peaceful demonstration against spaghetti for dinner resulted in the hospitalization of his wife.

“If she would have just listened to my demands for steak, this never would have happened” Josh Lanston stated.

Lanston reportedly felt threatened when his wife “took a skillet in her hand.” Bystanders say the skillet was loaded with meatballs and she was brandishing it menacingly or something. 

A local ABC affiliate reports that the incident was best described as a “peaceful demonstration that intensified.”

Lanston was quickly released after the mayor clarified to police that it was obvious that he was protesting against protein inequity, and also all cops are bastards. Tonight he’ll be out at the demonstrations against racial injustice which have been going on for 167 days. Peaceful demonstrations have also intensified in other locales.

“If Trump would just resign, we wouldn’t have to do this,” Lanston told us while making some more homemade explosives. “Can’t you see that I love humanity and my country?”

“Except for capitalists, rich people, cis-hets who are into the patriarchy, TERFs, and any other garbage human,” he added.


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