Cheyenne, Wyoming—Local man Armand Kubrick reports that he has long been unsatisfied with his career as an air traffic controller working a line shift.
“I’ve been slaving away, getting my wind-dang-doodle kicked in by all the traffic, and just doing a good job of things, and it’s time to put an end to that!” he said in a phone interview.
“I noticed that all of the people getting the managerial positions were total bumblers, complete ignoramuses, absolute braying jackasses, and most of them were probably more dangerous than a flock of geese to US Airways Flight 1549.”
Kubrick says he observed that his own bosses were typically full of recommended managerial traits such as mendacity, jealousy, strife, and light-to-moderate perversion. Many of them were also about as intelligent as rutting goats, and several routinely got tangled up in their own headset cords.
“I know that I lack the envy, lust, and whatever the rest of the deadly sins are, but I think that I can manage to make up for it by being totally incompetent at the core of my job. I’m sure I’ll get a nice supervisory office job, then.”
Kubrick says that he is practicing being disrespectful and trying to look down his nose at all those around him, which makes him somewhat dizzy. He was last seen applying for the slot of “managar,” which he believes is a flourish that will help his chances.