Man Who Thinks He Should Determine How and Where People Should Live Swears He Would Never Have Been a Slave Owner

Man Who Thinks He Should Determine How and Where People Should Live Swears He Would Never Have Been a Slave Owner

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Jeff Harris is pretty perturbed by recent whisperings of “reforming state lines” or even outright secession. While he fully supports people having choices over their bodies, finding people who want their own societies—ones which simply aren’t his—is a step too far.

“Look,” Harris told us. “These schmucks have to be stopped. Hang them if need be. It’s treason. This isn’t a voluntary union we’re talking about, it’s the USA! All this talk of breaking off is ludicrous. It’s a dog-whistle for racism and slave-holding tendencies. We kicked their butts in like the 1800s, and that’s settled that moral conundrum.”

Harris then explained why he opposes slavery and racism, and in light of that, thinks that he should make all the life decisions for those who disagree with him on the matter of a national divorce.

“Just let them leave?” Harris spluttered. “Like live their own lives without our control? I hate them, but we can’t do that—their land is valuable, you hicks! We need laborers! They may be redneck neoconfederates, but we can put them all to good use. There’s too much value to let them just go do their own thing!”

Harris swears that he’d never have been a slaveowner himself, but some people just need others to run their lives for them, so that they’re productive members of society.



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