Washington, DC—Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R, KY) has declined to let Americans have an additional $2000 for COVID relief.
“Look, I know that people think money grows on trees, but we have to face the fact that it doesn’t. Congress has to work very hard to tax that money from you, and we can’t just go giving it back,” McConnell said.
The Senator says that in lieu of giving Americans some of their money back, he’ll let the most desperate among them smell his pay stub.
“It’s enough to tide anyone over,” he said. “Really fills you up taking a whiff of that puppy.”
McConnell is showing some extra kindness by releasing dozens of turtles into each of the 50 states. One turtle in each state will have a small, gold plate welded to its underside, and it’s an exciting race for the populace to see who can find them first.
The Senate tomorrow will vote to allocate 1.76-billion dollars to fund a transgender turtle ranch in remote Azerbaijan. An additional $57.7M is being set aside to hire additional fluffers for the Congressional cash pillows.