Jackson, Wyoming— After a classified briefing in January about how bad the COVID-19 virus really is, Sens. Kelly Loeffler (R), James Inhofe (R), Dianne Feinstein (D), and Richard Burr (R) each sold hundreds of thousands of dollars in stocks within days.
Sen. Kelly Loeffler, when asked, said that she only sold a little bit, like $355,000, and her husband, the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange probably sold like $890,000, but “that’s really not much money to us, so we’re not sure why the Great Unwashed is so upset.”
The response didn’t go over well with the unruly masses that Sen. Loeffler has charge of, and likewise went poorly for Inhofe, Feinstein, and Burr, who each referred to their constituents with terms such as “disgusting street rats,” “incapable vermin,” and in the case of Burr, “those who will not be missed when COVID-19 gets ’em.”
Facing pushback from the irritating voters, the senators have hired Oscar award-winning actress Meryl Streep to teach them how to act like they care.
“I can sympathize with them,” Streep said. “Once you’re not an abject failure like the 99.9% around you, it’s very hard to care about their weensie wittle woes—well, other than finding their faces and lives just revolting, ICK! So acting like we care is the only real tool we have left. Thankfully, the plebeians are poorly educated and easily fooled!”
Streep says that though the senators have already mastered faking smiles while lying, most of them still have to stab themselves with forks in order to produce a tear over things like the plight of the homeless and people dying by the millions.
The classes are being taught at a private chalet in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. The prices there “keep the rabble down.”