Starting in November, dine-in restaurant patrons will be required to wear horse feeding-bags in the state of California. The decree comes down from Gavin Newsom, who is a staunch fan of science. It’s replace earlier, outdated, pseudo-scientific guidance which relied on people placing their masks back on in between bites, allowing for the spread of the deadly plague, which kills 99.94% of people it infects.
“We’ve almost beaten this disease, and by wearing your feeding bags, I’m certain that we’ll have coronavirus crushed within the next five years or so,” Governor Newsom told reporters. “Just wear your mask into the restaurant, and when your food is brought out in your nose bag, make the exchange as quickly as possible and without breathing.”
Certain demographics who cannot tolerate nose bags will be given the choice of consuming their meals through nasogastric tube, though not all restaurants will be able to accommodate that option.
“Yes, it’s a real good plan,” Newsom continued. “Oh and uh, Halloween is obviously canceled. And so is Thanksgiving! Yes, that’s the ticket. Christmas is allowed, but the only to give the gift of masks. Hashtag science. You can still go shopping, but you’ll have to wear a full, self-contained breathing apparatus if you want to do that. Actually, Christmas is canceled too! Muzzles are required for all dogs! All lifeforms!”
Newsom also says that no Californian resident will be allowed to breathe in between leaving their house and arriving at their place of work, as coronavirus has been shown to superspread by people being alive.
When December rolls around, all Californians will be required to wear leashes outdoors, and their activities will be overseen by designated police canine handlers. Permission to go outdoors with a dedicated handler will be granted by random lottery system.
Correspondent JL Metcalfe contributed to this report.