For too long, people have thought of the news as something designed to give them information. Wrong! News is created to tell you what to believe, sure, but most importantly, how to feel—and that’s where I come in! No ads, no hijinks, just factory-fresh news, straight from me, Lucas Necesito. So let’s get started with the past week’s events!
The Ukraine-Russia War of the Whites:
Two corrupt sets of white people have gone to war. It only took some US meddling for decades, but the good news is that Hunter Biden managed to make a killing off of Ukraine before it got to this point. The main issue stems around Russia’s Vladimir Putin objecting to neo-Nazis in Ukraine, which we know is true because he said it and a bunch of other stuff not worth mentioning, which we know isn’t worth mentioning because the corporate press didn’t bother to.
- How should you feel? OUTRAGED!
- Who should you support? UKRAINE!
- How many questions should you ask? ZERO!
- What is it called if you don’t want to get involved in a foreign war that could become nuclear and about which you know nothing? COWARDICE.
The US-Backed Genocide in Yemen
No clue what you’re talking about. Move along, you drip.
- How should you feel? OBLIVIOUS. (Alternate: kill more poor, uneducated browns, please. Raytheon can’t feed itself.)
- What should you remember? Some POC are more equal than others.
The CDC’s Admission of Vaccine “Problems”, the Concomitant Release of Damning Data, Mandates Not Helping at All
The vaccines are safe and effective. Non-pharmaceutical interventions are wise. Sweden does not exist. Praise be to Bill Gates, may peace be upon him.
- How should you feel? Safe! But why isn’t that guy wearing a mask? Oh gross! Why is his face doing that? His flesh is contorting his face into some sort of upward curve and his teeth are showing! AGHHHHHHH!
- What should you remember? That it would have been worse if we hadn’t done the things that didn’t work.
Inflation has been rising, which is good for your bottom line. If it’s not, you should blame that Putin. He’s in charge of our economy, you know.
- How should you feel? GRATEFUL, you peasant. And remember, eating steak kills the planet, anyway. You’re kind of a superhero now!
- What should you remember? PUTIN causes inflation, and you should have planned for that. There is no such thing as the Fed or monetary policy created by a central, private bank which is in bed with the government and about which you can do very little.
The Ukraine War on the Transfolx
We’ve learned that some Ukrainians are calling people with penises men. This is unacceptable, and literal worse than violence. It’s worse than Chernobyl and the war itself. The only two things worse are Trump and Putin, though we’re a little suspicious that all of Hunter Biden’s hookups were uterus-havers, and do have him on our Bigot Watch List.
- How should you feel? DISGUSTED.
- Who should you support? TRANSPERSONS, especially of color.
- What can you do? DONATE to the Black Trans Lives Matters Abortion GoFundMe. (If you are straight, consider fixing your bigotry.)
The State of the Union Address
Biden is a bright, clean, articulate speaker. He’s going to cure cancer soon. The winter of severe illness and death caused by the unvaccinated who we shunned and fired is over, and now we must unite with them, since for some reason COVID didn’t manage to kill them all off for us.
- How should you feel? PROUD, and especially if you’re LGBTQI2S+.
- What can you do? FUND the police!