Herein and forevermore lies the record of Sarah Eustace “Mean Jean” Lefore, or at least my review of her record as a person and friend. I’ll be honest, she struggles at both of those tasks, since she considers “humanity troubling.”
Sarah Lefore was born in the Year of Our Lord 1602, or at least that’s what she tells everyone. We do know for a fact that she was born in The Hills of Rage, ND, as part of a litter of 6. She was weaned by a vampire bat the size of a small cow, at least until she killed and ate it for “excessive weakness.”
Sarah went on to be raised on a ranch, but more specifically in a barn by some feral cats. The cats were loving in her toddler years, at least until she killed and ate them for “timidity in the face of certain slaughter.”
As she transitioned into school, most of Sarah’s first and second grades were spent “making fun of wolves,” as she considers needing a pack to hunt with to be a sign of “unbounded weakness.” She loved making fun of the wolves, at least until she killed and ate them “because I was bored.”
The third through fifth grades were hard for Sarah, but only because she was caught stabbing a guy she’d seen on MSNBC Dateline’s To Catch a Predator. And by stabbing, I do mean emasculating in the literal sense of the word. While there was some celebration of her activities, it was her self-description of being “a freelance Jean the Ripper, but for bad guys” that got her in trouble, as she was able to easily suss out almost anything bad in a person, no matter how small, and it all counted in her book. During this time, she changed her middle name to “Justice” and visited Sea World San Diego, which she loved, at least until she killed and ate Shamu for being “a real fatso.”
I wish that I could say that Sarah Justice Eustace Lefore made her life better from there, but in sixth grade she was caught dealing in the schoolyard. Well, dealing “retribution to those who dare oppose,” and that included the principal, who she had stuffed headlong into a badger burrow. That was one of the funnier incidents of her youth, at least until she killed and ate the badger for “not eating the principal’s face off you cowardly sack of crap.”
Seventh and eighth grade went well for Sarah, and she mostly focused on her family’s trade of pickle farming. In the summer of her 13th year, she raised 14 varieties of cucumber, including 5 new species, from which she made 117 distinct flavors of pickle. The least-favored one by her best friend was “Potato Apple Jack Pickle,” while the one that scared people the most was simply called, “Hell Pickle.” It was a fun couple of years for Sarah Souphanousinphone Sally-Strumpet Lefor, at least until she killed and ate the cat of the friend I just mentioned for “no particular reason, it just seemed like a thing to do.”
High school was a blur for Sarah Mean Jean Justice Bean Lefore. She got curves that could kill any man and had to have breast reduction surgery nineteen times, and two of those times were on the same day. She rarely slept during ninth grade, but when she did, it was always sitting up, and with a scowl, even during REM cycles. The other grades saw her form friendships that would last a lifetime, though not all of those lives were exactly long-lived. During this time, it seems that she wasn’t as ravenous as prior years, though a lot of cattle mysteriously went missing, and a pile of beef bones “17 paces high” was found in her backyard. She changed her nickname to “Olé” and did in fact kill anyone who refused to use it. They were good years for her, and she got her first pony then, at least until she killed and ate it for “looking really yummy.”
After high school, Sarah decided to have kids, and they were pretty good kids, which kids tend to be when they are threatened with death. She also met Lucas Necessary, and it was love at first sight. To be more specific, she loved making fun of him, and especially “what an ugly sight you are, sooooo gross, Lucas.” She tried to be sweet at times, reminding him that he was at least “average-looking,” “well for a hideously ugly person,” and said that she thought his chances of finding a wife were 50-50, in that everyone either finds a wife or doesn’t, so everyone has a 50-50 chance. Her math skills weren’t the best, but she killed and ate the whiteboard during algebra, so it was hard to teach her.
Sarah Lefore turned out to be an excellent mother, and even better than most crows, with an incredible sense of humor, the best cooking skills known to man (developed from years of killing and eating things), and a dislike of frippery.
These days, Sarah Justice Wentworth Julie Jugabie Lefore spends most of her time drinking gasoline and grooming her prized combat wombat, which she has taught to bite femoral arteries and great saphenous veins. She no longer accepts cheese as a gift, and has almost completed her collection of “50 whips for 50 states.” She also gave up sneezing in 2019. In 2020, she started raising bats, but coronavirus angered her, so she killed and ate them.
I rate Sarah Jerry Can Genteel Lefore 5 stars for being an excellent mother, artist, and comedian, as well as a fine succubus. I deduct one star, however, for being a succubus. I deduct a further star for an unbecoming dalliance with Taco John. Another 1/2 star is stripped for the coconut oil incident and for grabbing strangers by the nostrils with her two, hooked claws. I give her the missing 2.5 stars back for
raising the world’s finest co disregard, she killed and ate that.
What would you rate Sarah Jeering Jenny June Jackadorne Lefore? Be sure to let people know in the comments below.