Imperial College, London—A new study authored by British epidemiologist Neil Ferguson (OBE FMedSci) has found shocking, grim results regarding Sweden’s failure to follow strict, government-enforced lockdowns.
Professor Ferguson, author of the Imperial College study on SARS-CoV-2, released the results today to shocked journalists. Dr. Ferguson is a renowned professor whose models are unquestionable and always accurate; he’s best known for his exemplary 2009 swine flu model, which astutely predicted the death of all life in the galaxy by 2012.
His latest study shows that coronavirus has unfortunately killed everyone in Sweden, and more worryingly, that the country hasn’t even peaked yet.
“I don’t know how to be more clear,” Ferguson said while trying to pull out a bra that was somehow tucked half-way into his pants. “This disease has killed all those lunatic Swedes, and it’s not going to stop there. The only saving grace is that we were all rooting for them to be wrong and get wiped out by this unstoppable virus.”
“Stict social distancing is the only way to go. Walk out of your house and get the truncheon, that’s what I say,” he proclaimed while shaking a wedding ring out of his shoe, which apparently had been hurting his foot. “This insidious thing can spread in ways we’ve never imagined. We can only thank mother nature that it’s not sexually transmissible. Remember: the only type of social closening that’s safe is the sexual type.”
Professor Ferguson also said that blondes with big boobs and practicing adulters are impervious to the disease. Even then, he’s quick to point out that he only uses level-IV biohazard condoms in his own infidelity.
Meanwhile, Dr. Giesecke of Sweden has rebutted the claims that everyone in the country is dead. However, as Dr. Giesecke is a moron with no background in science at all, other than his mediocre work for the WHO, various universities, and of course the European version of the CDC, his weak protestations that Sweden is “weathering the storm” can be summarily dismissed.