Guest journalist Sarah Lefor reports:
At the suggestion of Bill Gates, Walmart is slowly rolling out “ClippyBots” to replace their outdated workforce of virus-ridden humans, and so far the transition is going smoothly. The robots stand between 7 and 13 feet tall and some are equipped with restocking arms, powered by Microsoft Windows Pandemic Edition, or just “Windows PE” for short.
Customers have been loving the friendly robots, who roam the aisles and use facial recognition to analyze whether or not they’ve approached a shopper before. A cloud-based system then stores all pertinent data about the customer to help with their future shopping desires.
“I see you’re trying to buy groceries—can I help you GET VACCINATED?” one ClippyBot said upon approaching a family. The mother of the group said that they didn’t need any vaccines and were in fact looking for Poptarts.
“Kathleen, our records indicate that you haven’t been vaccinated with the GATES’ HUMAN DEFENDER antivirus. To resolve this issue, please select “Ok, I’ll be vaccinated,” or “Cancel” to exit the store immediately. Remember, if it moves and has blood, it can be vaccinated!” the robot said cheerfully.
While the mother was trying to find where the selection buttons were on the bot, it performed some sleight of hand and popped her and all of her children with syringes with its multiple restocking arms. In a flash, it had applied bandaids to all of the pinpricks—all the bandages had cute little pictures of Bill Gates’ smiling face peeking out from behind a Windows logo. What a little scamp! Another successful inoculation.
The robots also have the ability to kill any “malfunctioning processes.”