An Important Note on COVID-19 (From Lucas)

An Important Note on COVID-19 (From Lucas)

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BRINGING YOU AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Dear Loyal LUCAS Family,

I am committed to providing friends and scores of would-be female lovers with the epitome of quality in human interaction. Given the ever-shifting situation surrounding COVID-19, I wanted to alert you to some changes that have taken place over the last several days, as well as ones to happen in the weeks to come.

You’re probably following the developments related to coronavirus (COVID-19). I am also closely following and monitoring this rapidly evolving situation. With over 700 friends across all states and countries where I am legal, I am in regular contact with our local and national health organizations and governments. I have been reinforcing and enhancing health and safety policies to help keep myself AND you safe. I of course want to keep my handsome dog, Mr. Chadillac Fancyfoot, safe too.

The world’s most handsome little man.

The world is grappling with an issue of enormous scale and human impact, and my heart goes out to all who have been affected by the outbreak of coronavirus (COVID-19). I believe it is my role and responsibility during this time to prioritize two things: caring for the health and well-being of those who love me and my colleagues, while also playing a constructive role in supporting local health officials and government leaders as they work to contain the virus. Through that perceptual filter, I will continue to make decisions with vigilance and courage, informed by the latest science-based information, and guided by my mission and values.

I wanted to personally reach out to you and provide an update on the actions that I am taking to help prevent the spread of the virus and support the health and well-being of my loved ones, coworkers, associates, and most importantly, YOU.

Social distancing is incredibly important, so in accordance with CDC guidelines, I am imposing a 2-week moratorium on all French-kissing. I know this will disappoint many of you, and I know that I have regular dental work done to ensure that you’re never disappointed, but please keep in mind that this is being done for your safety. I care about you, and I look forward to future interactions with your lingual appendage.

“Air kisses” are still allowed, but please don’t touch me during these trying times.

I am also imposing a temporary ban on hugging. While hugging me has been a favorite activity for most females in the past, in order to ensure your future reproductive success (through remaining alive), a halt on this is called for.

This activity is now DISALLOWED.

Because I understand how much this impacts you, I will be taking extraordinary measures. In the coming months, once social-distancing measures are relaxed, I will offer any regular customer of mine reduced rates. If you’ve kissed me ten times or more in the past year, your future kisses will be discounted 50% for 6 months. If you’ve kissed me 5 times or less, I’ll still be offering a 25% discount for the same duration.

I look forward to reuniting with you once this crisis passes. Remember, we’re truly stronger together, but for now, we’re the strongest apart.

Yours in anguish,

My friendly signature.

-Luke


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