The White House—Munching on a triple-scoop ice cream, President Biden addressed the nation from the White House Rose Garden.
“Inflation, it’s so big I can taste it, ya know?” Biden remarked. “It tastes like Rocky Road…uh…no, that’s this ice cream. It tastes…where was I? Thanks, folks. Have a good day.”
He then tried to wander off stage and shake hands with the air before a herder bounced him gently back to the podium.
“Oh yeah, abortion! Aborting your baby is the dream of every young, minority, uh, little gay girl growing up in this racial jungle. And now ultra-MAGA is trying to stop their dreams. Well my Administration controls all three branches of government, and we have a stark warning, Jack: you’ll regret not aborting that baby when it starves to death. Do you think these shortages are going to end soon?”
Reporters diligently took notes as the president continued.
“Look here, I don’t work for you! My family doesn’t work for you. When I swept into office, I came in to sell your children’s organs to zoos for meat, and now I’m going into people’s 401Ks at night and wrecking up the place, and there won’t be baby formula for years—arrroooo!” Biden howled. “I’d abort that baby while it still has some meat on its bones if I were you. Thank you all for being here, and may God bless you.”
The speech received a standing ovation as the president walked into a bush.