Thanks to Biden’s steady hand at the helm, nutritionists across America expect that the country’s obesity epidemic may be entirely over by the end of Biden’s first term in office.
“We’ve never seen such weight loss,” Dr. Dana Jones told CNN’s Brian Stelter during a round-table of experts. “As it turns out, the lack of bread on store shelves is really helping Americans shed that adipose!”
The panel’s conservative member, supply-chain expert Jack Dumore, was the sole voice of opposition. His far-right view was that the Administration’s plans to introduce breadlines would poll poorly given that there wouldn’t actually be any bread.
While famine is often used as a talking point by the Republican Party, it’s disinformation to say that it’s all bad: when you don’t have to cook as much, you have more time to take up other hobbies, when the grocery store has a limited selection, you save time and energy perusing, and by eating those pesky bugs in the house, most Americans can save a great deal on fly and insect traps–plus, they’re loaded with protein, and the exoskeletons have plenty of essential vitamins and minerals.
The American Society for Clinical Nutrition has pointed out that if we can band together as a democracy and re-elect Biden, we may be able to literally lose all of our weight. If a Republican gets elected, it’s likely, on the other hand, that every American will be dead from gluttony, excess, and heart disease by just 2028–giving us only a couple of years to save our country.
As of the time of this writing, the White House is creating a National Strategic Ice Cream Reserve. “We might be losing weight as a country, but I’m not gonna be missing out on my ice cream cone, and that’s a fact, Jack,” President Biden has said.