Some Basement, Deleware —Acknowledging that involvement increases investment, Joe Biden, running on the Harris-Biden ticket, has announced a plan to provide free college to all Americans—but there’s a catch.
While Biden’s plan gives free college education to any citizen or underdocumented American, it also requires any student receiving a bachelor’s degree or higher to commit to serving two years in the humanitarian program of their choice, such as the Peace Corps or Antifa. Upon completion of the 2 years of public service, the student’s loans will be paid off in full. The student will then be inducted into the BLM IRR, or “inactive ready reserve,” for another 2 years, in case of a national race or capitalism emergency.
The plan also has stipulations meant to help out conservative students, who typically are less wealthy than their liberal counterparts, and come from downtrodden, backwater states, where they cling to their guns and religion, surrounded only by a basketful of deplorables. Conservative students will be sent to “multi-year camps” which will feature “free, continuing education” and “agricultural opportunities.” Biden also said that any conservative students will automatically have their families enrolled in the camps to help them overcome systemic miseducation.
Nancy Pelosi will be the Czar of “Kamps for KKKonservatives,” which are run under the motto, “Graduate University—Learn and Grow,” or GULAG for short. The name helps emphasize that the fact that conservatives will receive even more free education while being able to practice Green New Deal co-op style farming. If they fail to practice the appropriate methods, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will beat them over their heads with a hoe.
Biden says he also plans to rename the United States to the “United States Socialist Republic,” remarking that “USSR has a nice ring to it, that ain’t no malarkey, you know what I’m sayi—I lost the line, where’s the line, where’s my staff, does my staff have i—.”