The White House—Donald Trump walked to his briefing room podium, addressing the assembled reporters around him with confidence in spite of recent controversy which has centered around his refusal to say that he will peacefully transfer power when the time comes.
Strangely, dogs began forming into packs outside, women started wailing in the distance, and blood inexplicably began to drip from the walls. Huffington Post’s reporter on scene began gnashing his teeth, but that at least was not out of the ordinary.
“Good evening vassals, and I see that the failing New York Times is here, so good evening traitors and peasants, too,” President Trump said as an opener. “All of you pigs, dogs, slobs, disgusting animals, all of you are concerned that I won’t hand over power.”
“Well I am here to tell you that I am committed to handing over power like CHINA is committed to owning Mark Cuban! In fact, I am handing over power right now, bigly, to someone who I hear is the best, maybe the best even ever—, yes, I officially hand over power to myself as Forever-Emperor!!! Ruth Bader Ginsburg told me to! It was her dying wish!”
He burst out laughing and flourished a large card that seemed to show him in some sort of regal vestments. White House correspondents for both MSNBC and CNN immediately keeled over dead upon reading a portion of the text which read, “GOD EMPEROR.” A ghostly apparition of Vladmir Putin appeared in the clouds of spittle coming from all the assembled reporters, but vanished soon after.
“Your women, your children, your lives, all are forfeit to me!” Trump cried. “You thought that the wall was to keep them OUT! Fools! It was to keep you IN! I abolish the Supreme Court! I abolish the very grave of Ruth Bader Ginsburg! I’m going to break into your houses and wreck up the place! Bahahahahaha! On a lighter note, I mandate a McDonald’s on every block; happy meals free on Wednesdays.”
Trump also announced that he is pulling an extra 1200 troops out of Iraq. They will assist in the search for Joe Biden, who wandered off last night.