Washington, DC—A presidential transition team has already been formed, staffed by political operatives, elite strategists, and numerous physicians who specialize in gerontology.
“It’s difficult to make plans this far in advance, with like over 70 days to go, especially when we’re competing for valuable resources with the Funeral Planning Committee,” said Biden’s chief physician Richard Almon. “You don’t know what’s going to happen, and really most of our free time is spent treating the vice president’s aggressive hypermalignant superdementia.”
The team is already planning to have reverse-locks installed on all the doors to prevent the president from wandering off the grounds. All elevators and exits will also be wrapped with camouflage to further confuse Mr. Biden.
“They really don’t try the exits when they look like bookshelves or decorations,” Dr. Almon remarked. “We had trouble with some of the wallpaper that was made for a child’s play area. It showed dolls and he kept sniffing it for hours on end.”
In order to prevent aggression toward staffers and aides, life-size child cutouts will be placed all throughout the White House. The dolls will have real, human hair for Mr. Biden to smell, which medical personnel say seems to have a calming effect on him.
Strategists plan to hide the nuclear launch codes inside a smiling, fang-baring Hillary Clinton mannequin, which “naturally makes people keep their distance.”