Washington, DC—The two remaining Democratic candidates for president will be debating tonight before an empty auditorium, as there is too much risk that the novel coronavirus will “straight-up assassinate people this old and frail,” said Robert Redfield, the director of the CDC.
Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, the two hopefuls who wish to run a nation of well over 300 million people, could be quickly killed by exposure to any of them, given their histories of heart attacks and aggressive hypermalignant superdementia. As such, both are being required by the DNC to wear special environment bubble suits—very much akin the the bubbles that they already inhabit in their political lives, which completely isolate them from reality.
Sanders, keen on the idea, has already declared that positive-pressure environmental bubble suits are a human right. The suits have benefited Biden’s supporters more than him, as they make it exceedingly difficult for him to sniff at hair.
A staffer for the Biden campaign accidentally removed the child-proofing door-handle cover to his room, and the candidate has subsequently been seen wandering the debate stage in his bubble, hours in advance of the actual curtain time. It’s expected to be his strongest performance of the night.