Washington, DC—Former vice president Joe Biden will be squaring off against now-underdog candidate Bernie Sanders tonight. Fresh off a turnaround for his campaign, Biden has been touting his mental and physical fitness.
“My mind is sharper than a, a, you know the thing,” Biden said in a remark in the nation’s capital. “I don’t have any brain problems, I’m fiddle as a fit.”
With the World Health Organization having declared a state of pandemic, Biden also reassured supporters, telling them that he’s tested negative for the Spanish Flu. As a preventative measure, he’s been taking Laudanum “off-label, but safely, like all the kids are doing, you horse’s ass.”
The last time he was really sick, Biden said, was from a bad batch of leeches, which some children humorously applied to his legs in the pool one day. “I had a cough, but they shouldn’t have put those leeches on me, those were street leeches that all the kids were using, Corn Pop was handing them out and they were keeping them, you know, in the rain barrels. They weren’t good, not safe, and year, I got really sick, I admit.”
Along with his negative results for the Spanish Flu, Biden also accidentally handed out medical paperwork showing that he has “aggressive hypermalignant superdementia” and “complete absconsion of the frontral cortex.” Re reassured CNN reporters that those are “old news,” and that’s he’s had both of those issues for 41 years.