The White House—The famous Rose Garden, in existence since 1913, is no more. After months of being “watered” with Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator at the direction of the President, the Garden is now devoid of plant life.
Stephanie Grisham, the White House Press Secretary, offered only brief remarks on the matter. “We’re looking into this obvious sabotage by the Do-Nothing Democrats,” she said. “We tried our best and made sure that it received fresh, bottled Brawndo daily—it has electrolytes! It’s got what plants crave. When that didn’t work, we brought in the Brawndo trucks.”
When asked why the White House didn’t water it with something more conventional, such as, say, water, Ms. Grisham rolled her eyes and snorted, “Water’s for toilets.”
While Trump didn’t speak on the issue, he was seen strolling by off-camera with Vince Vaughn, seeming excited or at least on more speed than usual as he was heard commenting, “I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out. Hey, wanna see the Big Mac gazebo on the back lawn?”
To raise funds to combat the national deficit, Trump is also advertising Brawndo on all government buildings. Trump steaks will also be injected with 20% Brawndo solution.
Joe Biden, President Trump’s rival, was asked by CNN over Zoom to give his thoughts on Trump not using water.
“What Jack, like for toilets? You think Einstein walked around thinkin’ everyone was a bunch of dumb knuckleheads? Now how do I turn you off? You need to go away, I’m sniffin’!”