Aspen, CO—“The Reds are evil,” Dr. Stephen Jacobs said as he officially registered with the Democratic Socialists of America. “They’re a grave threat to our sacred democracy.”
Jacobs, a political science PhD remote working for a non-profit in Aspen, is an expert on listening to experts. In fact, he said there’s no way to be certain that you’re right if you don’t agree with them.
“The experts are always right,” he explained patiently. “Sure, sometimes they make a glitchy call, and we saw that pretty often during COVID, but they weren’t wrong—no, they were just right, but in the future when they more clearly followed the established science. You can’t just go with your gut or by listening to conservatives and other fools.”
Dr. Jacobs rightly told us that Vladimir Putin, a dictator, has committed absolute atrocities, and quashes any dissent. To combat him, we have to accept only what the experts on the Department of Homeland Security’s Disinformation Governance Board tell us is true. Anything else could be dangerous Russian disinformation. Unlike Putin’s silencing of opposition, our Ministry of Truth merely prohibits wrongspeech, while greatly enhancing truespeak, and that’s actual freedom: the freedom to be 100% right, and 0% wrong.
“And if you have friends or family who are saying anything not approved as truth by the experts in your government, honestly, it’s best to distance yourself, for your own safety” Jacobs told us. “Hang on, this registration form is asking if I’m male or female. How could I possibly know? My PhD isn’t in this, and it seems a little bit narrow-minded…might be disinformation…”
Dr. Jabobs muttered to himself and wandered off on his iPhone, typing a hasty see-something, say-something report to the Disinformation Governance Board, before calling a biologist and swearing while asking, “What do you mean, ‘What do I have between my legs?” That dangly thing could be a female penis. Is this some sort of transphobic joke?”