The White House—The Biden Administration is sad to see Spokesperson Jen Psaki leaving for MSNBC, but glad that she’s going to an unbiased organization which holds the Executive Branch accountable. With Psaki’s looming departure, the search is on for a reliable new public relations expert.
“Our ideal candidate will be versed in a number of topics, from light-hearted matters like $10/gallon gas to things more serious,” said Psaki about her replacement. “It’s important to be able to see the good in famine, policy disasters, chopping off a 10-year-old’s breasts for trans rights, the President’s little gaffes that almost start nuclear wars, and of course crack-addict, whore-addicted children who are just a little washed up after engaging in Ukrainian corrup–uh, business, glory to Ukraine, glory to the heroes.”
Psaki said her departure has nothing to do with the President’s approval ratings, Peter Doocy, Biden’s sudden, incessant demands for trips to Disney World, or the difficulties associated with nominating a justice for the Supreme Court who chose leniency even in baby sex torture cases. Rather, she just feels like she’s being unfair in not letting others spend as much time with the grandfatherly man.
“We all know that when the President says something a little goofy, it’s not as if he really means it, or like he should be treated like a man who has power over the most nuclear weapons in the world,” said Psaki. “He’s like a grandpa: loves rubbing your shoulders, pulling you close, sniffing your hair, and kissing you. It’s not fair for me to be experiencing that so much. It’s someone else’s turn.”
Whoever is selected for the job will also get a Baskin Robins credit card with a $1,000,000 limit.