Physicians: Dementia Patients Should Be Supervised Around Sharp Objects; Nuclear Launch Codes

Physicians: Dementia Patients Should Be Supervised Around Sharp Objects; Nuclear Launch Codes

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The American Geriatrics Society (AGS), a group of healthcare professionals dedicated to caring for the nation’s elderly, commented today on former vice president Joe Biden’s health. 

While he seems to have a bit of a stutter, it’s Biden’s “advanced hypermalignant superdementia” that has given the AGS some pause. James Cromwell, the head of the AGS, told reporters in a phone interview,

“As an inclusive progressive, I’m delighted to see the country overcoming ableism by nominating a man with such aggressive dementia. His mind is just absolutely shot, and it’s not elder abuse if they’re having fun.

But we do have to think of the needs of our elderly who have advanced hypermalignant superdementia. For example, they need to be closely monitored around sharp objects and nuclear launch codes.”  

An extra staffer has been added to the Biden campaign staff, to cut his food into bite-sized peices, so that he doesn’t accidentally choke himself to death. His recent switch to Velcro shoes is unrelated to his superdementia—he’s just always had a hard time with shoelaces and his increasingly irritability makes them a true problem. He also wandered away from the campaign bus and hasn’t been seen since Wednesday.


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