United States—The nation’s conservatives are to anxious to get back to being deficit hawks, just as soon as Joe Biden is elected. In a street interview conducted in Mobile, registered Republican Joe Jeffries remarked,
“I’ve voted straight R my whole life, ’cause we can’t let that deficit get out of control. Donald Trump, he’s right that we gotta drain the swamp! All Democrats want to do is spend, spend, spend. Not Donald, though! He promised to eliminate that rascally deficit thing in only 8 years”
As he spoke, the national deficit ticked up from 23 trillion dollars to 25 trillion, and then burped ahead another 6 trillion, and the Social Security fund vanished entirely from existence.
Mr. Jeffries then scurried off in search of his stimulus check, muttering about “danged socialists ruining America.” He said he couldn’t be delayed, as he might be a lucky winner of a golden ticket, which Trump mischievously hid in a few of the checks. What a little scamp!
Democrats, meanwhile, have been briefing Joe Biden, the presumptive president-elect, on how much he’s going to need to spend to beat president Trump. “Trump’s spent about 6 trillion now, and he might even double it while he’s still in office, Joey,” a handler said. “Do you remember what a trillion is? It’s a really, really big number.”
Joe reeled back from his handler’s touch, shouting, “Cornpop’s got a bat, with wings, and he’s with some real bad boys” before settling down as he got a soothing whiff of her hair. Staffers have found that lavender scented hair has a calming effect on the candidate.
Mitch McConnell, in an official statement given as he stroked his pet turtle, affectionately named Mitch Junior, said, “the Republican Party plans on pretending to be the penny-penchingest sons-of-guns the world has ever seen if the libs take control. Meryl Streep herself couldn’t out-act us on this one!” He stopped from going much further with his fire-and-brimstone talk after a Raytheon lobbyist gave him a look of stern reproof. Following a second harsh glance, he then sheepishly promised at least two new wars “for the troops.”
Nancy Pelosi, meanwhile, has tweeted that anyone who is skeptical of going absolutely hog-wild with spending probably is not trustworthy.