United States—Reeling from an economy in free-fall in much the same way that the death count isn’t, Congressional leaders have reached across the aisle to pass a bill which declares every 11th person a domestic terrorist.
“We know that gatherings can be no more than 10 people, so that makes every 11th a domestic terrorist,” speaker Pelosi declared. “I certainly don’t want that 11th person showing up at my mansion and raiding any of my many, $24,000 freezers for my $14/pint icecreams. But I’ve imagined it, and that’s why these people must be caught.”
The “Mass American Detention and Systemic Surveillance” act, or MADASS for short, was a sweeping hit across both aisles, though a couple of losers like Justin Amash and Rand Paul voted against it in “uncontained horror,” showing that they’re on the side of the terrorists. Mitch McConnell, on the other hand, was seen talking with president Trump about “anyone specific that we need to be an 11th person.”
The act has exposed the true depth of terrorism in our great country, with Utah being hit the hardest, as for some reason, Latter Day Saints families tend to have more domestic terrorists, though some traditional Catholic families also bump up against the hard stop at 10.
Meanwhile, Congress has reminded Americans to surveil their neighbors to ensure proper, non-terroristic social distancing. In Michigan, local watchdog Kathryn Buyce has been ringing her local law enforcement officers almost non-stop.
“Yes, it’s an emergency. Can you take notes, I’ve got a few emergencies to tell you about,” she said after dialing 911 when a local ABC affiliate went to interview her. “I was looking out my front window, and I saw two of my neighbors, well, they looked a lot more like 5.5 feet apart than 6, so we should round them up. And yesterday, I saw my other neighbor bring home a guy, looked romantic, but I didn’t see a ring, so you tell ME which one’s the terrorist. Obviously not family. Oh, and Jenna down the street isn’t using the #StayHome frame on Facebook, so look into her, too.”
In California, the state has decided to simply bulldoze sand over every 11th person they see.