Review: Allen “Baby Jones” Jones

Review: Allen “Baby Jones” Jones

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Allen Jones is a personal friend of mine. He’s been described as the world’s most loathsomely enjoyable human being. He is the fourth member of the Grand Tour/Top Gear crew, and has never had an enemy.

Although named after the tool, Allen “Baby Jones” Jones went on to become celebrated in his military, civilian, and marital lives. While most people try to date within their attractiveness bracket, Jones chose to mature into a supermodel and then just pick a supermodel for a wife. He didn’t even ask. He just said, “Hey babe, we’re puttin’ a ring on that, now give me a wet one right here!”

Allen elected to join the military as he “sure as heck wasn’t going to see all of Europe on my own dime,” and somehow apparently accrued three days of leave for every one hour that he served. He stole a classic, British vehicle during his travels in the United Kingdom, and the Britons thanked him for flattering them with his thievery. It was a true honor.

There are some strikes against the dashing man. He absolutely doesn’t know how to park a vehicle, or rather, won’t park it in conformity with the world around him. When queried, he’s quick to point out that molding the world to suit his desires has always worked for him in the past, so he’s “not going to ruin a good thing by changing that now, bub.”

Allen has a number of Blue Ribbon children, and a dog that was personally gifted to him by the Pittsburgh Penguins, who were stunned that he chose to attend one of their games in person. Seeing him and his entourage there, they quickly gave him the best gift they could find: Sidney Pawsby, the Golden Doodle doggy. Jones accepted the gift with one of his infectious laughs, which unfortunately was on Charm Biohazard Level IV that day, and quickly spread throughout the whole team. Unable to play due to the guffaws they came down with, they were forced to concede the game. At times, Jones can be a bit stern, and their concession sticking in his craw, so he ordered that the team be culled with scythes, though quickly so that it would be humane.

Usually, however, Jones is an affable man, with an incredible penchant for winning at life, and an undying love for “a good one,” by which he means, “a beautiful sunset.” He typically watches a good one with a small snifter of whatever Scotch is most expensive at the moment, and often has his feet kicked back while doing so. Sometimes he’ll send a loved one on a chow run during the gloaming, so that he can meditate on the deep stirrings of the earth while looking forward to “a bloody good snack.”

Jones has some remarkable physical attributes, as well. He’s never stumbled across a woman who didn’t immediately fall in love with him, and he can grow a Lord of the Rings beard in under 37 seconds. All dogs obey him, and no coworker can face life without being his Facebook friend. He can get any 4-cylinder car to 160 MPH, and the wind does not cause him distress. He is wanted in China for “causing mass defections from Communism,” and has fired two of his own bosses. Most people in the military assume that he is a flag or general officer. He is routinely mistaken as being the Administrator of the FAA.

Allen Jones loves Darla Nuss’ white chicken chili and Wayner’s wings, though he detests carrots and people who noisily munch them. He exclusively French kisses his wife, but he lets other women watch so that they can “learn how to spot a keeper.” The Catholic church has asked him to be the next Pope, although he otherwise is not affiliated with the religion.

Jones’ biggest vice is grifting, but only of people who get on his nerves. It is almost impossible to photoshop Allen Jones, because someone is always hugging him.


Rating: 5 out of 5.

Allen Jones is awarded 5 stars for being the world’s most devilishly handsome man, as well as the most amiable human in history. No stars are deducted, because to do so just wouldn’t be morally right.

Summary: Allen Jones is the world’s most enviable man.

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