Des Moines, IA, Minute-by-Minute Reporting—Tonight’s debate is underway, but it appears that the Democrats have already made some sort of clerical error. The party of diversity and inclusion is currently running a group of fighting, white, millionaire septuagenarians, after having canceled all the candidates of color.
A woman who eats salad with a comb and a young Republican man are also inexplicably on stage, along with a weasel-eyed billionaire.
In better news for the party, Joe Biden’s teeth have only fallen out once, and he has so far strung together at least three semi-intelligible sentences, although they’ve all been about events that took place in the 1950s. Most recently, he said that he’d be real happy to reach across the aisle and have Dwight D. Eisenhower as his running mate. He started to go into more detail about his bipartisan proclivities, but trailed off, seemingly fixated on the hair of a little girl out in the audience.
Less than a minute ago, Bernie Sanders launched a scathing attack on Elizabeth Warren while he received open-heart massage for his latest, massive myocardial infarction.
Buttigieg, the lone Republican on the stage, is corralled off in one section of the stage with only himself and a handful of billionaires sipping on Krug. Tom Steyer, also a billionaire and the last candidate to qualify for the debate, was not invited to the former mayor’s debate-stage soiree, and has had nothing to contribute to the debate so far, nor for that matter, to any of the past ones.