Washington, D.C.—Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren revealed yesterday that rival Bernie Sanders, with whom she’s been mostly cordial until recently, told her in 2018 that a woman couldn’t win the presidential race.
Today, Warren revealed that he’s actually a man. He stated that he began his transition at 8AM in the morning by not shaving, and completed it by 10AM by eating “a whole pack of bacon and 5 eggs.”
He requested that people not dead-name him, and is now running under the name “Aaren Whiz Elbert,” a nod to his genius plans. Out of respect for his tribal ancestry, he has indicated that he is more two-spirit (2S+) than transman, though “whatever wins the nomination works for me.”
Judging by leftover evidence, Mr. Elbert has not yet mastered the urinal.