Reading Time: 3 minutes“Look, listen here,” Democrat, former Games volunteer Bernie Sanders told reporters. “Hey you, yah schmuck! We’ve had a lot of problems in this country, ain’t got enough bread lines, no joke. If we, mark my words, do not win the Games tonight, there will be hell to pay! We must embrace Cuban-style government. Great literacy program and some of the world’s best swimmers!”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteAt the time of this writing, Biden was seen asking an aide to short shares of Studebaker.
Reading Time: < 1 minuteWashington, DC—President Trump’s State of the Union Address. He promoted somebody to General. He awarded the Medal of Freedom to a beleaguered, old man. He awarded a scholarship to someone beyond deserving. He reunited a family. He vowed never to forget a daughter killed by ISIS. But Democrats have pointed out rightly that it wasn’t very presidential. After ripping up the speech, Nany Pelosi was seen screeching that it might…
Reading Time: 3 minutesRichmond, Virginia—A gun rights rally has concluded in Virginia, spilling only 0 buckets of blood versus the “untold millions” that CNN had predicted. In the wake of the hyper-violent protest that dressed itself up in a deceptive facade of peace, we interviewed a man in a local Starbucks, who was cowering bravely in a corner, with his Super Venti Flat White shaking in his hands too much for him to…
Reading Time: 2 minutesWhen asked why the White House didn’t water with something more conventional, such as, say, water, Ms. Grisham rolled her eyes and snorted, “Water’s for toilets.”
Reading Time: < 1 minuteThe Trump Administration recently announced that one Mr. Qasem Soleimani, an austere practitioner of Sun Tzu, was deliberately “denied boarding of his flight, permanently” in order to “prevent escalation of tension with Iran.” The late, bearded General was allegedly in Iraq, the 51st state in the union, in order to de-escalate tensions in informal talks with Saudi Arabia, when he tried to interfere with American interests by illegally attacking one…