Washington, DC—President Trump said that his genius moves of shuttering the economy and locking people in their “sad, little houses,” prevented the Chinese from successfully installing coronavirus.
“Listen, it’s a yuge deal, what I did. I have had PLENTY of viruses on my computer, probably because of Chy-nuh—I got one when booking Stormy…I got one on my computer, and people said that it was bad, maybe even the worst, maybe even ever. And I know a lot about computers, that’s what I’m told. So I restarted the computer, and problem solved, people,” Trump said at a White House lecture of reporters.
He claims that he knew that the Chinese were installing COVID-19, so he quickly decided to restart the economy.
“We’re rebooting in safe mode, so that’s why you’re quarantined. Chy-nuh is clever. Any of you could be a virus, we don’t know, we don’t know. All of CNN is infected, they’re fake news.”
The President says that he’s making sure that the nation’s laborers are working overtime on building new furnaces to combat a “growing shortage of morgue space.” Mr. Trump was unavailable for further comment, as he had to enter his email address into a popup he got on his phone, which told him that he was selected for a daily $10,000 cash prize.