Bernie Snags Trump Vote by Offering Taxpayer-Subsidized Bronzer

Bernie Snags Trump Vote by Offering Taxpayer-Subsidized Bronzer

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After ending a bad night neck-and-neck with Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders found himself needing any vote he could possibly get—even Donald Trump’s!

Secondary to a late-night campaign re-assessment, the Sanders campaign went further than offering free housing, healthcare, jobs, vacations, and land: they’re now offering taxpayer-funded bronzer as a human right.

Trump was seen rushing out of the White House toward Marine One, yelling at a trailing staffer, “This is yuge! If there’s enough, we can coat the wall in this stuff! It’ll be a beautiful wall, some say the best, maybe even ever.”

Political pundits noted that Trump can still vote by mail in his state, but that the amphetamines he takes sometimes have unexpected results: he blasted right past the waiting helicopter and knocked himself over on a shrubbery.

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