Atlanta, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently released an alarming new study. While Americans have always assumed that their country was in good health, a strange, new virus of the brain has led to their being more forms of hepatitis than major political parties in the country!
“We always thought that herd immunity was a natural response to any disease,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “Turns out that in the United States, it’s herd compromise! We’ve discovered a new brain disease which we’re calling Dysduopartitis. It’s a shocking illness and might destroy the entire country! So far we know that it causes blindness in the population: if the letter isn’t (R) or (D) on an election ballot, the infected person literally can’t even see it. And 99% of Americans have this malady!”
The disease also causes strange verbal tics. You can tell if a loved one has the disease (they do) by listening to certain, repeated “flag phrases” such as:
- “The other side.”
- “Own the libs!”
- “Drain the swamp.”
- “Blue states.”
- “Fox News said.”
- “On Sean Hannity.”
- “The other side.”
- “Give me a safe space!
- “Are you a [redacted] Republican?”
- “Red states.”
- “CNN said.”
- “On Rachel Maddow.”
The disease strongly affects color vision. While normally the human eye can distinguish 7,000,000 colors, people who have Dysduopartitis can only see red or blue. They also are willing to swear undying allegiance to anyone, no matter the person’s beliefs or actions, as long as they have the right letter by the name.
Nancy Pelosi is known to be infected. The CDC says that her description of the United States Constitution as “a nice suggestion” is a dead giveaway. Other clear symptoms are not caring about debt, believing that people shouldn’t vote their consciences (outside of (R) or (D)), and really not giving a hoot about sexual indiscretions as long as the end justifies the mean.
Director Redfield said he isn’t sure how long the country has been sick. When it was founded, we know that at least John Adams was healthy, as he wrote,
There is nothing which I dread so much as a division of the republic into two great parties, each arranged under its leader, and concerting measures in opposition to each other. This, in my humble apprehension, is to be dreaded as the greatest political evil under our Constitution.
Mitch McConnell said that the CDC is making a mountain out of a molehill with the virus. “Let’s face it, this virus is the only thing keeping me employed,” he told reporters. “Well, that, the incredible stupidity of literally millions of people, and some top-level gerrymandering.”
Editors note: Our publication officially repudiates McConnell’s use of the word “stupid” when describing the American people. We find it unbelievable that any politician, from Hillary Clinton to Richard Nixon, would feel that way about the great citizens of this country.