Beijing, China—China has returned to normal, its government claims, with only a few exceptions. “Everything is fine here, ” President Xi Jinping said. “We do not know how the virus started, but it seems very bad in the United States, so it probably started there? Don’t you think?”
Xi had to pause to take a call from the Secretary of Education and started screaming, “No, no! No school field trip to the friendly, local bat virology lab! No more of those! You stop them!”
He smiled and continued his reassurances, brushing off questions about “how many friendly, local bat virology labs are there?”
“Not many, it is just that the researches have been abusing sick leave recently, you know, but we do not have many of them. Even Wuhan only has two friendly, local bat virology labs. Very friendly. But from now on, students may only go on field trips to the friendly, local pangolin virology labs.”
Statsita indicates that Chinese cities over 4,000,000 people typically have one or more of the friendly, local bat virology labs. Wuhan city planners put their labs next to the wet markets, so that they could both buy and sell bats easier.
President Xi Jinping dismissed assembled reporters and was heard calling tell the director of the World Health Organization, telling him to say,
“The bat virology labs are, very safe, very friendly; not related to the terrible coronavirus. Oh, tell everyone you can’t spell coronavirus without USA! Coincidence? Yeah, that’s the ticket!”
Chinese authorities are now referring to the scourge as the “Freedom Virus.”