Christian Accidentally Watches News, Immediately Decides to Move to Nineveh

Christian Accidentally Watches News, Immediately Decides to Move to Nineveh

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Local Christian Colby Martinez is in his first year of law school after leaving tech, but is now looking to expatriate and finish up his JD somewhere else.

“It all happened when I turned on a CNN live-stream of the news yesterday. Didn’t mean to, really—was just bored while researching and thought I needed a break from the stress.”

Colby said he was pretty uncertain about things after seeing what appeared to be a monstrous moral apocalypse, so he hopped on Twitter. “Boy, that was sure a mistake,” he commented. “First video I saw on there had blood weeping from walls, women screaming, men gnashing their teeth…oh heavens it wasn’t good.”

He left his house to take a walk and clear his mind, but found that dogs were forming into packs in the streets, and all the trees were covered in murders of crows as far as his eyes could see, some of whom appeared to have 4 wings, all twirling in a motion which seemed physically impossible.

“Yeah, anyway, I was going to go back inside based on that alone, but then, well, this group came a-runnin’, I thought it was a zombie horde at first, but I’m not sure. They were burning buildings, and I thought, ‘Colby, just get back inside, this isn’t good.’ Almost acted on that, but then a pack of police swept through and started batoning me. I ran away as they were popping me with their bean bag guns! Ouch! Luckily a black reporter showed up, so they started chasing him instead.”

Colby said that he’s decided that it’s time to finish his studies in a land with better moral standards, such as Nineveh. His neighbors heard the news and said that he’s insane to pack up for a place like Nineveh. They’re going for something “a little tamer, like Babylon.”

Unfortunately, international travel is being restricted to and from the United States in anticipation of the fifth seal being opened this week. It’s expected that this will also put a damper on next quarter’s GDP estimates.

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